EMOTIONAL TRANSFERENCE

EP #29

 

“Do I need a life coach?” You’re listening to Episode 29, with Rhiannon Bush

 

Welcome to the Do I need a life coach? Podcast. We’re here to discuss the ins- and outs- of the life coaching industry and give you tools to use, to see for yourself. I’m your host, Rhiannon Bush. Mother, management consultant and a passionate, certified life coach.

 

 

A friend of mine was working with a very, very difficult client. And for those of you who, like me, work in professional services, we have difficult clients but not usually (hopefully) abusive clients and this was just one day. She was at work and this client was extremely rude and abusive, swearing and saying some fairly awful things. And in this particular industry, this is unfortunately fairly accepted and normal because that person acts out of place of injury, pain and trauma, and therefore it is an acceptable form of behaviour. But what I saw was the transference of that emotion when my friend then saw me. And I’ve always thought about emotions like that. I remember hearing somebody once say that when we think about money, to instead of thinking of it as being like a cake where if one person gets a bigger slice then that must mean another person gets a smaller slice, because all the money in the world is one cake right… to instead think of money as oxygen. So I breathe in in for a while and I have it and then I breathe it out again and you have it. Then somebody else gets to breathe it in and has it for a while until they breathe it out and somebody else has it. Which is a really nice way to think about money, and definitely feeds into having a more abundant mindset when it comes to wealth and having money and earning money.

 

But I’ve always thought of emotions in a similar capacity. Not necessarily as oxygen, but definitely as something that we generate within, and then pass along to others. And that can be done in a really positive way. For instance, I remember somebody was complimenting me on my shoes, they were these black, patent leather strappy heels and I loved them. Off the back of that comment, I proceeded to compliment somebody else on their shoes. And this is to do with my reticular activating system, and the fact that all of a sudden I was noticing shoes, but because I was paid a compliment I gave a compliment , and so it goes. The tennis ball back and forth. From me to you, from you to me.

 

I was told by my coach years ago to never rebut a compliment. It’s something many people do. We’ve been conditioned, especially as females, to downplay compliments and to avoid being that tall poppy. You may notice this in yourself or others in the way that as soon as they’re paid a compliment, they say “oh this old thing” or “oh thanks, I feel horrible today” or “oh I changed because I just couldn’t decide”… we rebut it. Instead, take the compliment, own it and just say thank you. Simple.  I had client who literally couldn’t accept any compliment – even from me, her coach! But just like paying compliments and all the positive vibes, it works the same with negative emotions.

 

I’ve always found it really enjoyable to do boxing classes for the purposes of fitness. I’ve never stepped foot in a ring, I’ve never had the intention of stepping foot in a boxing ring or actually fighting, but I really enjoy it as a physical release and a way of getting a really good cardio workout. But I also find that boxing makes me more aggressive. It makes me feisty. And after a boxing class, I notice I’m more assertive, agitated, and defensive. I remember when I first realised the after-effects of a boxing class, thinking that was an extremely odd thing.

 

Similarly, I remember working in hospitality many years ago, and we were packing up late one night and somebody had put on gangster rap music.  Now, I have very eclectic taste in music. Music’s always been an experience for me, at the very least, even if I don’t like it I can find something to appreciate even if it’s something that I don’t typically listen to or have a real liking for, I can always find something to appreciate. Yet, I remember this gangster rap music was playing and my mood, my demeanour… everything shifted.  I became more assertive, harsher, and I became very negative. And I found it really interesting, because as soon as the music was turned off, my mood lifted and changed. While the music was playing I thought it may’ve been hunger or exhaustion – if you work in hospo you know exactly what I’m talking about. But the music was the only variable that changed, and it was very interesting to me that that type of music had that effect on me. And at the same time, it doesn’t surprise me, when I consider what I was talking about in the episode Feel Good Mornings where a song can change how we feel in an instant. And that can be positive or negative.

 

So I’ve always felt like emotions with something that you generated within you whether it was because somebody passed to you, and then you could you held that emotion, and then you had to pass it on to somebody else, but I always have felt that emotions needed to be handed on. They were something that you have and then you need to release, and this is both good but especially bad. On the positive side, it’s why sharing and connecting when we feel something good is what we want to do. Something great happens and you’re by yourself, the thing you want to do is call your loved one or tell your loved one and share it with them. It feels much better to feel things together and experience things together. If you have no one to share it with, or you’ve recently broken up with your loved one, moved away from home, or your loved one isn’t reachable, you’re able to experience the joy of that and in a big way, and yet there’s something just that extra bit special when you’re able to share it, or better yet experience it, with a loved one. We all experience things in isolation, on our own, and we all have our own experience of it, but experiencing it in isolation alongside someone you love is pretty awesome.

 

On the flip side, when you’re feeling negative, you have the choice to store it, or release it. If you store it, if you compartmentalise it or push it down or keep it, it will stay there for a long time and manifest itself as an ailment or illness, or stress or anxiety or an injury. Believe me it will be there, it will stay. Because that’s what energy does. Eventually, your body will find a way to release it – whether that’s crying hysterically during a semi-sad movie, snapping at the wrong person, being agitated or aggressive for no reason… it will find a way to come out.  It is going to come up in a way that you can’t control or anticipate and it will start to eat away at who you are. Pushing away negative emotions and not finding a healthy way to release them will dampen your soul and darken your spirit, and it will affect the person that you are. Let alone the person that you want to be. It will also cloud your ability to see the positive side of situations and to find gratitude for things you have.

 

So what I saw with my friend when she worked with this incredibly negative and abusive client was that when she came home, she was in tears. She was also angry and also aggressive because she was internalising that emotion, and the emotion was trying to find a way to release and pass through her. She didn’t have the strength in that moment, within her, to put up a bit of a shield and protect herself from it, she was more of an empath which meant she absorbed the emotions that that person had been throwing her way. Let’s make no mistake about it, when somebody is abusive, it is 100% about them, who they are and trauma they have suffered in the past, as well as the emotions they aren’t processing or dealing with. But that doesn’t mean being on the receiving end is easy to deal with.  We’ve all been on the receiving end at times, even as a child when we don’t understand what’s going on. We all need to have proactive ways to protect ourselves and our energy, or if we do take on emotions others throw at us, process that emotion in a responsible, healthy and resourceful way.

 

I was watching a TV show where a guy got up and did workouts really early in the morning. And he said that he had been depressed and his way of dealing with his depression and anxiety was to work out. He replaced his mental pain with physical pain and that if he didn’t work out he became very grumpy and short with people. It changed who he was and who he wanted to be. That’s the exact same thing that I’m talking about now. So it’s extremely important to find a healthy way for you to pass on emotions you’re storing and to process emotion. Release it in a way that you choose, and that completes it for you fully.

 

I know in times, when I have not released emotion I have ended up shouting at friends on the dancefloor, I have had big fights with people and said things completely out of turn, that have not ever meant for the recipient that ended up copping it, and there is nothing acceptable about that. And I really struggle to forgive myself for treating friends like that, but I know first-hand what happens when you don’t process these feelings you have. When you hold a ball and keep the ball, the ball will find a way of escaping you at some point.

 

I’ve heard emotions described many different ways so I decided to Google it and I found this definition: Emotions are mental states brought on by neurophysiological changes, variously associated with thoughts, feelings, behavioral responses, and a degree of pleasure or displeasure. There is currently no scientific consensus on a definition. Then I also found this: A fundamental difference between feelings and emotions is that feelings are experienced consciously, while emotions manifest either consciously or subconsciously. That’s interesting because when feelings are subconscious, we begin to lose conscious awareness of what it is we’re feeling in a particular moment. When that happens, we begin behaving on autopilot and it becomes more difficult to recognize the thoughts we’re having that are causing the emotional response in the body. Then we have to do lots more work to understand what has caused some thoughts and do analytical work and unpicking on why those thoughts make us feel a certain way.

 

So try to process your emotions closely to you experiencing them in the first place. When I began coaching I would coach in my bedroom of an evening after work. I didn’t have another space to coach so that was what I would do. But I found often, especially when clients had divulged very personal and traumatic experiences they’d had, that I couldn’t sleep. I would toss and turn, and I’m normally a very good sleeper. I had to find ways of finishing the session and processing the emotion after the session in order to sleep.

 

I’ve mentioned a few ways to process emotions but let’s outline a few ways that you can try and see what works best for you.

 

The first is to exercise. Replace emotional pain with physical pain. Take your mind off whatever it is causing you the emotional pain by getting out of your head and into your body.

 

Another way is to write a letter – about a person, place, experiencing that’s sucking your energy. Get it all out, with 100% honesty. Then you can burn that letter, scrunch that letter, do whatever you want with that letter.

 

Meditating, journaling, visualization, breath work, mirror work. There are many ways. In How To Get Away With Murder a woman takes a golf club to a pillow. Same thing. Processing emotions. Finding release.

 

Try a few different ways. Some ways may work for specific intensities of emotions. For stronger emotions which are generated by stronger, more engrained thoughts, they may require a more abrupt and intense way to release that emotion.

 

Give it a try, see how you go! See you next week.

 

 

 

 

Hey! Before you go, I always find reviews really helpful when looking for new information or insights…

 

I you’ve found this podcast valuable, please take a minute to write a quick review about what you’ve found most beneficial for you, so other people can benefit from your insights, and listen in too. I would LOVE that!

Also, if there are any topics you’d like me to cover specifically about life coaching or the life coaching industry, visit rhiannonbush.com to contact me. Thanks for joining and I’ll see you in the next episode of Do I Need A Life Coach?!

 

 

Please note, this transcription may not be exact.